Ughhhh. I motherfucking hate this. Anxious.
Everything is going to be ok. It just takes time.
Well, he cheated on me through emails and I broke up with him. How can someone say that they love you to your face multiple times (and I FELT IT), and then betray you like that? I’m so disappointed. Fuck life.
I feel like number 2. I don’t hear from him for almost 2 days. All I can imagine is bullshit. I’ve been the one calling for the last 2 days, calling only ONCE and speaking for a few minutes. Do you think I’ve been on his mind at any time? And to top it all off, I am posting pictures on facebook this morning and he LIKED one of them. And not a picture of my face, but a picture of an INSECT! Does he call this morning? Nope. He would rather sit at his facebook and like something on my page than actually pick up the fucking phone and call me? Why am I so enraged? Stupid fucking asshole. All I want is to not care. I don’t want this attachment. It is making me crazy stupid. I don’t know if this is real or all in my head. Are my feelings valid or am I just an overdemanding emotional mess? I don’t know anymore. I definitely do feel like I haven’t been given any care in the last few days and I totally understand about the time that he was working. However, it would’ve been nice to hear from him “Wish you were here with us.” at the end of the shoot at the hotel room, since it sounded liek a loud party. I know he knows that I’ve got a test tomorrow and that’s probably why he didn’t say anything, but still it would have been nice to hear. I did not get any of that. It was mostly me saying alright, I’ll let you go since you sound busy and him saying ok.
Why do I have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that he’s waiting until after my test to break up with me? I just can’t get it out of my head. The increased distance. Not talking to me as much. That STUPID FUCKING SHIT HE SAID TO THAT LESBIAN. I can’t deal with this. I feel like I’m going to explode.
Naomi Fisher
Untitled (White Dress), 1997
I feel like I am going to explode. This is not a good feeling.
(via supersexuelle)
I am writing this as a way of dealing with my grief. I don’t know why you felt that you had to lie to me and deceive me like you did. I was faithful to you from day one. No lies. Do I deserve this? Was I asking for it? Did I simply choose to trust the wrong person? I think I’m a fucking idiot.
It’s like everything I ever did or felt about you was only my own perception. It didn’t really exist for you. It was just me making up fairytales in my head. I was with you and “felt” love, but it wasn’t real for you like it was for me, I think? I don’t think I will ever wrap my head around how you could talk to that girl like that…when I was most likely talking to you on the phone at the same time or, stab me with a rusty fork, while I was out trying to help you. Picking up likes for your fanpage, promoting your slimy, sleazeball ass every chance I got. Fuck you. I keep thinking “How could he do this to me? HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?” But then, I think “Don’t take it personally. He wasn’t thinking about you when he did that.” Which brings me back to the beginning of this paragraph. Everything I ever felt about you was my own and it had nothing to do with you. You did not love me. You just said you did because…well I don’t know why. That’s one of those things I’ll also never wrap my head around.
I feel so empty. I feel so alone. You were my best friend and although, out of all the best friends and monumental lovers who I’ve had stronger feelings for than you, it just doesn’t get any easier and I find myself in a fucking pit. Feeling like death. Unable to eat. Wanting to take enough pills and smoke enough cigarettes to numb myself into oblivion.
I hate feeling l’ke things are unresolved. I don’t understand the meaning of “Take a step back and cool down.” I’m more likely to take a step back and burn the fuck up. It turns me into a ball of anxiety and becomes all I think about. I tried taking a nap and woke up after a nightmare.
EMOTIONALLY HIGH MAINTENANCE
Ruining my relationship with my anxiety bullshit. Fuck this. And why do I feel so guilty and to blame? Why do I always take everything so fucking seriously?
(Source: goretwenty, via drencrome)
It’s probably really unhealthy to hate someone as I hate that bitch. And the worst part of it is that I know how unreasonable it is. I know. I’ve never met her. She has never even said anything about me or talked me down and yet, I hate her fucking piece of shit guts. I’ve been dwelling on it too. Imagining her kissing him in front of me and then saying “Don’t worry, I’m a lesbian!” and then I proceed to smash her face into the tree in his backyard multiple times, bark flying. Mmmm.
I don’t even want to meet her. I’m not sure how that’s even possible since he has his BBQ at the end of the month and she’s going. I want to tell him that I don’t want to go because of her, but that’s exactly what I know would be a huge mistake. I know how people’s minds work. Anytime, you tell someone something like that, they feel like you are trying to control them and you know what I don’t want that. I would rather just keep my own body off the premises and not have there be any problems. I can’t even imagine standing there and having to make small talk with that retarded cunt. I would probably be a snarky fucking bitch and it would become all to obvious, especially to him.
I keep imagining that she is spending the night with him right now, ya know cuz they’re such BFFs <3 VOMIT. I imagine him letting her sleep in the bed to ensure she is super comfortable. If she is there now as I will find out probably tomorrow, I’ll freak the fuck out. How does one control something like this? How do I keep my fucking rage in and not say a goddamn thing? Get a punching bag? Screamy-pillow therapy? If I were to tell him how much I dislike her, he would most likely side with her and start to dislike me. I’ve seen it happen to me over and over. So I’m not doing it this time and I will keep it to myself. The trick is keeping it corked. How?
